Exhausted Free-Writing

It's been a minute since I took the time to write anything substantial.

I yawn as I typed that sentence. Another yawn preceded by so many more as I look to a cup of cold brew for salvation. The time is currently 3:22AM, and about 24 hours ago I woke up in the car in Yosemite from a night's rest after spending the day conquering Half Dome with the cables down. Thirteen and a half hours, nineteen miles. I'm supposed to work at 9AM.

Since my last post I also got into canyoneering, visited the Philippines for a second time, and turned 28 years old. Time flies... So much more has happened.

Almost my 'dirty 30'. Almost time for me to really be serious about having human kids instead of ones with fur all over them.

There's so much I said I'd set out to do since last year, yet so much that I didn't think I'd do at all.

I'm still waiting for scenarios and situations to line up perfectly, and only taking risk when the odds are in my favor. I need to stop doing that.

The reason why I'm finding difficulty being super successful or invested in one particular interest of mine is because I want to do so much and I feel like time is slipping away.

Decision paralysis.

My mind goes to celebrities and musicians; the laser focus they must have had, the determination for success, the sacrifice to hone their craft and make something of themselves.

I realize now more than ever that success doesn't really have to involve as much stress as I thought it would. Last year, I put my life on the line and abandoned the priorities I had to my significant other and myself. All for a pat on the back and a little bit more money. The things I stressed about didn't matter at all as I was laid off and risked losing the love of my life.

The biggest takeaway: realize the good things that are around you. Oftentimes the the things you sacrifice important things for isn't worth it. Most of all:

Marketing > Hard Work

As someone who just likes to sit down and get shit done and produce results, this is the hardest pill to swallow.

I'm not a nine to fiver who can commute to work everyday and be content.

Not a cog in a machine who can grind for months on end then take little breaks and vacations to 'oil' myself and repeat.

Not a person who wants the newest shoes, goes to see every star wars movie, or requires subjecting my sanity and wallet to the next never-ending iteration of 'stuff'.

(Man, I need to get this off my chest but I hope this outward projection doesn't hurt my career.)

I'm not a hippie though. I don't know what I want, I just know that what's usually out there now isn't it. What I have now isn't that bad at all, either, but it's not all I want either. Am I making sense?

I constantly need strength from so many people I admire and I'm sick of it. I'd like to be strong for myself...

We'll see what happens.